[Paganism] Weird brainweasels.
Jun. 1st, 2014 11:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elialshadowpineSo, for some reason there is a particular thing bothering me today. I am not sure why it's come to mind, but it will take a little bit of explanation.
I've talked about how when I was a teen, my dad basically used me as his free therapist, with absolutely insane theories, like my mom's co-worker get-togethers were secret lesbian orgies. Stuff like that. But what else went on was more on the magical side of things. He read the I Ching regularly, obsessively. He was convinced there were demons in the house. Now, to be fair, I saw a fair amount of shit but I'm pretty sure it's stuff he invited in, because he wanted badly for these things to be true, just so he could be right.
He would have dreams and visions and tell me about them. One that he relayed was that he was in his 90s and dying; my sister was there with him, and I was not. From his dream, I was in Europe. This isn't the one that upsets me. He later had a vision that I died at 35 in a car accident.
And he kept in on that. Hammered in on it. Repeated it. Again. And again. It is part of why I had extreme driving anxiety when I was able to get my learner's permit. I heard it so many times. "You'll die in a car accident when you're 35." "You need to make the most of your life because you'll die early." "I'll outlive you."
That was over fifteen years ago. I am turning thirty next year. And that... it's like it haunts me. I find myself thinking, I don't have much time left. I find myself worrying about Morgan and the others I love, because part of me believes he's right and I will die. Even though logically I know that he had multiple dreams where different things happen and the future is never set in stone. There are many things that happened between then and now that could and likely have changed that potential.
But that doesn't help my anxiety. I still have the niggling, "...but what if it's true?" in the back of my head. And part of me worries that by worrying I will draw that to me. And when I Look, I don't see my death there, not yet. And, hm, while I hadn't thought of this angle before, in Tarot, at least, the death card symbolizes change. So, that is a possibility. I wish I could write it off as the ravings of a narcissistic old man but he did have prophetic dreams and visions at times. Not all the time. But enough to be concerning.
On another level, it bothers me on how focused he was on my death. In a way he didn't even seem sad about it. Just... matter-of-fact. I don't know if that's because of his experiences in Vietnam, or what, but looking back, it's really creepy to me.
And the irony is, I have struggled with suicidal ideation my whole life. Yet, the thought of my actually dying... it doesn't terrify me, but dying then would be wrong. That's not my time, and I know that. But the universe doesn't always behave by "should". So... I don't know.
All I know is I'm haunted, and scared, and angry at my father for planting and nurturing poison in my head that continues to toxify me fifteen years later.
This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/517223.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
I've talked about how when I was a teen, my dad basically used me as his free therapist, with absolutely insane theories, like my mom's co-worker get-togethers were secret lesbian orgies. Stuff like that. But what else went on was more on the magical side of things. He read the I Ching regularly, obsessively. He was convinced there were demons in the house. Now, to be fair, I saw a fair amount of shit but I'm pretty sure it's stuff he invited in, because he wanted badly for these things to be true, just so he could be right.
He would have dreams and visions and tell me about them. One that he relayed was that he was in his 90s and dying; my sister was there with him, and I was not. From his dream, I was in Europe. This isn't the one that upsets me. He later had a vision that I died at 35 in a car accident.
And he kept in on that. Hammered in on it. Repeated it. Again. And again. It is part of why I had extreme driving anxiety when I was able to get my learner's permit. I heard it so many times. "You'll die in a car accident when you're 35." "You need to make the most of your life because you'll die early." "I'll outlive you."
That was over fifteen years ago. I am turning thirty next year. And that... it's like it haunts me. I find myself thinking, I don't have much time left. I find myself worrying about Morgan and the others I love, because part of me believes he's right and I will die. Even though logically I know that he had multiple dreams where different things happen and the future is never set in stone. There are many things that happened between then and now that could and likely have changed that potential.
But that doesn't help my anxiety. I still have the niggling, "...but what if it's true?" in the back of my head. And part of me worries that by worrying I will draw that to me. And when I Look, I don't see my death there, not yet. And, hm, while I hadn't thought of this angle before, in Tarot, at least, the death card symbolizes change. So, that is a possibility. I wish I could write it off as the ravings of a narcissistic old man but he did have prophetic dreams and visions at times. Not all the time. But enough to be concerning.
On another level, it bothers me on how focused he was on my death. In a way he didn't even seem sad about it. Just... matter-of-fact. I don't know if that's because of his experiences in Vietnam, or what, but looking back, it's really creepy to me.
And the irony is, I have struggled with suicidal ideation my whole life. Yet, the thought of my actually dying... it doesn't terrify me, but dying then would be wrong. That's not my time, and I know that. But the universe doesn't always behave by "should". So... I don't know.
All I know is I'm haunted, and scared, and angry at my father for planting and nurturing poison in my head that continues to toxify me fifteen years later.
This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/517223.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
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Date: 2014-06-02 02:08 pm (UTC)Interestingly, I looked up dream interpretations out of curiosity. At least one site says for dreaming of someone else dying in a car accident: "Dreaming that someone is injured in a car accident means that you cannot control the action of others. They have to live with the consequences of their own decisions."
And for my dream: "To dream of a car accident symbolizes your emotional state. You may be harboring deep anxieties and fears." I was a very anxious and fearful child. That actually makes me feel a little better.
There's certainly other interpretations, but I think those fit rather well, considering.
I am curious about what you mean with growth through the 30s, because the impression I have gotten from a number of people is that the 30s are fairly... well, not stagnant, but that things are more settled. I'm curious what you mean as to change, and would be interested if you're willing to share.
I like your thought on belief and change, and while I have anxiety, I would prefer to believe that it will be a change and growth of some kind. I have been called by a friend a chaos vortex, and change/evolution is something that has always been with me. Well, except for the drake years, which were... rather stagnant, but I am starting on the road to taking myself back after the years of abuse that affected me in so many ways.