Aelin Lovelace

After some negative incidents I've had with people trolling my journal, I've decided to make everything friends only. If you'd like to be added, please comment, and let me know how you found me. :)

Also, please note that I have a filter system for posts. When you comment, please let me know which you'd like to be on. I reserve the right to not put you on one if I'm uncomfortable but I will certainly take everything into account. I put everyone on the Life/General, Writing, and Health filters by default.

• Life/General
• Writing
• Health
• Sex and BDSM
• Feminism
• World of Warcraft / Gaming
• Fat Acceptance and Mental Illness
• Family Issues
• Childfree
• Paganism

So, last month, Storme lowered the amount that they had been sending me. I do not think they realized precisely how badly off this would put me. I needed to cancel the insurance for the second vehicle, because I simply couldn't afford it. As I have to have high risk insurance from the legal case last year, I will not be able to drive it. I have had to cancel essentially all recurring payments, even ones that are quite small. I kept two, but that is it (and both are actually necessary).

I have been covering the cost of our Ark: Survival Evolved servers for the past year and some. I looked at the finances, and there was just no way I could. I might have been able to, with the ones that were later in the month, but I couldn't guarantee it. So I did something I hate more than anything to do. I asked on the server FB and Discord if anybody was able to help.

We are very blessed to have amazing folks on our server. Nyx offered to cover the entirety, and I about burst out in tears. It means I do not have to worry about that. That's one less financial to drive my head in circles. We have good friends.

But...

My personal bank account is sitting at about $10. If there is any recurring payment that I missed, and it hits, it will be an overdraft. It will be repeated overdrafts. I have been there before, and it is difficult to detangle the serpent from eating its' own tail.

I am most comfortable with about $100 so that it is also not so tight that there is no "oh FUCK" money. I need to emphasize, significantly, that I am not asking any one person to send that, or even any great amount of it, or hell, or anything, truly, unless somebody honestly wishes to do so (and would not be putting themselves out by doing so! I don't want people to help me at the cost of themselves!).

If you are willing to help, and understanding that I am not going to be able to pay it back, for which I am greatly apologetic (although, I'm willing to do things like Tarot readings and ficlets, if desired), then my paypal is mistressnonny@gmail.com (and connected to my bank account.)

This should not be a permanent state of affairs. Storme was very upset when I told them how bad off I was, and they are going to see about increasing the amount by $100. If they are able to do that, it will help. It will be tight, still, but it will not be to the point that I am trying to keep from bursting literally into helpless, frustrated tears because I have looked at it from every angle and can't figure out a goddamn way to fix it.

(Before anybody asks, though, I did consider asking Mom. However, she just agreed yesterday to pay what will turn out to be around $2k in educational costs, for me to pursue tech work. So, I especially was not comfortable with the thought of asking her.)

I am so very sorry for dumping this on you all. I love you more than words can say, and that is entirely regardless of anything financial. I apologize for how -- overly emotional this is. I haven't been sleeping well. This is also, quite frankly, close to my very worst nightmare. I can think of a few worse, but....... can't everyone?

Thank you all for listening and being here for me. You are the best. <3

(I don't think this needs to be under a cut? But I truthfully cannot tell for certain at the moment.)

So, I have a friend I was talking to, and she sent me a piece of writing about herself. It fit autism to a T, and I passed her the RDOS Autism test that I used to help figure out that I needed to talk to my psych about a diagnosis. My friend is going to be talking to her therapist, but I told her I'd ask my friends list because I know so many folks who are neurodiverse.

Do folks have any links or resources they'd recommend for adulting/social skills for a 19 year old young woman currently living with her parents? I've given her some search terms, but I know she'd very much appreciate any stuff that's "vetted" by neurodiverse folks.

Also, she is on my friends list on Dreamwidth, so if you are able to post those links there, that would be helpful. Any written advice in comments are also appreciated. I'm going to toss this public so that folks who I don't also have friended on Dreamwidth can click the link at the bottom of the post here and go forth and comment.

Love y'all!

My friend "Kit" is a trans woman in dire need of temporary housing. She is recovering from complications of major surgery, along with a "surprise" blood clot. Just as she got back on her feet, she was let go in a round of company lay-offs earlier this month.

Kit has to be out of her current residence by May 9th. She has a rental lined up to move into June 1st, but she has nowhere else to go during the time between. As a trans woman, options like homeless shelters are extremely dangerous and not an option.

This is why I'm asking for help. Kit needs a queer/trans-friendly place to crash between May 9th and June 1st. She has money to cover food for herself and other personal necessities during her stay.

Other things of note: Kit has no pets and is severely allergic to cats. She is also allergic to cigarette smoke, which causes breathing issues and migraines -- but, she's noticed she's okay if people smoke outside. She's 420-friendly.

Kit has no special requirements when it comes to sleeping arrangements; she's fine with a bed, a couch, or even a sleeping bag on the floor. The WiFi password so she can job hunt on her laptop would be great, too. ;)

Kit lives in the Denver/Boulder/Longmont area.

If anybody is able to assist with space for her to get on her feet again, please contact Kit at helpkitnow@gmail.com.

Thanks all! Please signal boost!

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/550276.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

C&P from FB because I wrote a post nearly as long as I would've here.

We're in a bad state right now. We had been getting $700/mo in rent assistance, and we abruptly found out that it was canceled. On Scott's income alone, we run $200 over budget, and that's only bills, and it doesn't count household necessities like shampoo, toilet paper, menstrual supplies... cat food and litter...
We are desperate. I don't know how to pay rent, and our housing is at risk, plus our other utilities. I am terrified, and I do not know how we are going to make it through the next few months until tax return hits and we can use that to pad things out a bit. I have made a lifelong habit of paying it forward, and if anyone is able to aid myself and my family in our time of need, I cannot put into words how grateful we would be. In addition, we have several rewards for those who might want to contribute and get a little something out of it. I've done Tarot readings for years, and I am offering multiple types. I am also offering the chance to have a minor or major Tuckerization (character named after you, or choice of name) for my forthcoming work. I am also offering personalized stories of 1k-10k words, including character names if desired, preferred tropes, and more; this will, of course, require discussion.

Scott, who has been doing chainmail for 20+ years, is offering several types of jewelry (and a wallet chain that could almost double as a weapon) in hypo-allergenic titanium. I will be posting an update with a photo of my chainmail bikini top as an example of his work. He is extremely good at what he does.
If you can help in any way, please, it would be very appreciated. Any little bit helps. If you are unable to help, please share this post; it's public, so it can be. There is also more information about our situation in the GoFundMe introduction itself.

Thank you for whatever you are able to do. We all appreciate it, no matter how small or how large. Please do not feel bad if you are unable to contribute financially; this is a tight time of year for many people financially due to holidays, and I understand that well. Signal boosts and sharing are just as important as financial contributions. Again, thank you all, and I love you. Yes, even those I don't know personally who may have seen this shared. I love you for reading this, and for whatever you may do. Blessed be.

GoFundMe link is here.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/547968.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

I'm re-posting this from stormerider, who is, yes, my ex, but we're on good terms. We are not in a good position to help overly much financially, unfortunately. I just applied for SNAP, and was able to get on that immediately, but I need some more information for the state disability cash benefits, so I am teh brokez. If you can toss a few bucks their way, awesome, if not, please boost the signal! Thank you, lovelies! <3

----
From stormerider @ Dreamwidth:

Permission to share granted (and welcomed!):

http://www.gofundme.com/xsh3e8

About me: I'm a 30ish disabled (severe arthritis, I'm on Cimzia amongst other meds) genderqueer sysadmin in the Olympia area.

So over the last few months, I broke up with my wife, and ended up moving out of the house that we were renting (from her in-laws). Nothing major, just the usual moving stress and breakup stress. We get along well.

I moved into a new apartment in downtown Olympia with my roommate Boo, who is going to college at nearby SPSCC. The commute from the new apartment to the college is negligible at best.

Fast forward a bit; I ended up losing my job through some boneheaded mistakes of my own. While I'm not trying to excuse the mistakes I made, I have a feeling that the medication I was on for the dental surgery (I had all my remaining top teeth yanked and replaced with a denture) and the medical marijuana I've been smoking for my arthritis pain helped contribute to that... lowering inhibitions and helping me forget key details I should have kept in mind, especially with the emotional rollercoaster I was on. It's still my responsibility the way things turned out, but there are reasons, even if they aren't excuses.

I'm going to be relocating, and living with a lovely transwoman. However, I still haven't gotten stuff from my old employer like my termination paperwork (which means no SNAP/food stamps until that comes through) and shipping containers so I can mail back the company property that I have (laptop, desk phone, mobile phone, router).

The new apartment also includes a $500 pet deposit (on top of a $300 roommate deposit), and I really can't function without my support kitty Ras. (She's not legally a therapy pet, but serves as one in many ways for me.) Any assistance with that would be greatly appreciated, further assistance will help me with a bigger buffer while I wait on SNAP and look for jobs and keep paying for my medications.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/543854.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

This is long, but I am not cutting it for a reason. I am not cutting it because it is something that needs to be heard.

I had a conversation with somebody close to me the other day about the definition of beauty. I was in a bad way, and my rare self-consciousness about my body was coming to the forefront. I was looking for reassurance from my friend, and I realized quickly we were using completely different definitions of the word "beauty."

He was using it in the more traditional, conventional sense, as in celebrity beauty. I pointed out that definition of beauty has its issues; it's often racist, sexist, sizeist, and ableist. How often do you see someone in a wheelchair, or with some sort of congenital deformity, referred to as beautiful? How often do you see a significantly plus sized woman described as beautiful? People with disabilities are hardly known in the Hollywood scene; the only actress that comes to mind is Teal Sherer, best known for playing Venom on The Guild, and she has an entire webseries about her experiences in acting as a woman with a disability. Tess Munster is made fun of all the time for her weight. Lupita Nyong'o, who is in my opinion utterly gorgeous, is often called ugly or worse because she's "too black". Natalie Dormer is often criticized and called snobbish or stuck-up or ugly because of her cute little smirk-smile; she's interviewed and said that it's just the way she smiles naturally, and that she has a great deal of trouble smiling any other way. And people call her ugly for this. Jennifer Lawrence has been called fat and ugly because she has somewhat broad shoulders, upper arms that are obviously muscular, and a slightly "non-standard" (by Hollywood standards) torso.

These women have one thing in common: They are all beautiful. But by conventional beauty standards, and the commonly used definition of the word, they are not. This is a problem.

I then described my definition of the word "beauty" to my friend. It goes something like this:

For me, beauty is... the way you catch yourself glimpsing at someone, because there's something about them that you're attracted to, and you find yourself looking at them, not even consciously, just to look, to see these things, to appreciate them, and the person within the body. One of my ex-girlfriends had Bell's Palsy and never fully recovered; she can only smile with half her mouth. It's adorable and beautiful. That's where my habit of smiling with one half of my mouth comes from; I found it so delightful that I unconsciously mimicked it. I think of the Pacific Islander trans woman I met in college, who was very out but self-conscious of her body because she wasn't on hormones yet. I remember the shade of her skin, especially when the sunlight shone on it, the curve of her hips, and the way she walked so confidently despite her self-consciousness. It's the way her smile would reach her brown eyes and they'd just sparkle with life and laughter and love. It's the way she tilted her head thoughtfully, and the way she'd shake her hair back and forth, and the tinkling of the bells she wove into them. I swear I spent half that class surreptitiously catching glances, and I wish now I had told her how beautiful she was, because I'm not sure she ever realized it.

My fiance -- the way I'll glance over at his long strawberry blonde hair, especially when it's loose, and want to play with it and run my fingers through, or how I'll watch when his back is turned and appreciate the sleek lines and strong muscles of his back, especially if he's reaching for something and flexing. It's the aqua-turquoise color of his eyes that I can't look away from, even though I'm autistic and have always had issues with eye contact. It's my ex-girlfriend's surgical scar, reaching from belly to breast, where she nearly died and survived even though everyone told her she wasn't going to live; it's beautiful because it's a representation of her strength and survival. My fiancee has acne marks that she is deeply self-conscious of, and I run my fingers 'cross her face and feel the texture like tiny cobblestones, which is ambrosia to my fingertips. It's when I look into her captivating, intelligent eyes and bask in her laugh that spreads through the room and all the places in my heart and makes me want to laugh too even if I didn't get the joke. My fiancee's husband, who is what the medical establishment would call "morbidly obese", is beautiful in the way he holds himself with confidence, and I love to hug and snuggle him, feeling him squish against me and loving all of him, and his quick wit and intelligence, his long brown hair and the way it falls into his face if it's not pulled back, and the way his smile lights up and spreads through his cheeks, like he's hiding a secret but he'll tell you if you only ask.

These are the things that make someone "beautiful" to me. It's not about weight, body type, skin color, gender, ability or disability; it's not about any of these things. It's about the unique nature of every individual, and all the tiny things you notice and can't take your eyes away from, that make you want to luxuriate in their presence and never stop, that make you wish you could tell them how very beautiful they are, even if they're someone you don't even know. This is beauty.

And you there. Yes, you, reading this. You're beautiful too. You might not be able to see it in yourself; gods alone know how much I have struggled with this myself, being a larger woman and disabled. I have fought my own doubts and demons for years, and it was only when I discussed this with my friend that I realized I was talking about these men and women I have loved either close or from afar, and considered them beautiful, yet I did not apply my own definition to myself. That is a battle I won just yesterday. I'm sure it won't be the last. But I cannot in good conscience hold others to a definition that I am not willing to claim myself. So I say this: I am beautiful. And you: You are beautiful, too, even if you scoff and think you're too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too dark, too pale, too "weird", too "much", too anything, even if you read this and wonder, How could anyone ever think me beautiful? I know you're probably thinking that, because I've thought things like that all my life.

Well, I'll tell you this. I think you're beautiful, because there is beauty in all of us, and it deserves to be recognized. If no one in your life has recognized it, you have my sadness and my anger at those who have refused to see the truth: You are beautiful. And while it may be hard, I hope you'll believe me, or at least give my words a bit of consideration. And I hope you'll pass this on, because this is a message I believe everyone deserves to hear.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/542110.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

I posted about this before, but I'm still short on money for my medication. I at this point need about $150 by the end of October. The money that my ex is sending me for medication will HAVE to be used as rent money, because my current partner only gets paid once a month, on the 15th, and because he didn't get out of training until the end of Sept, we are going to be short on money for rent in November. Thus, my med money is going to need to go to... having a place to live.

So, I put out the hat again. My PayPal address is mistressnonny@gmail.com. Any little bit is appreciated, as are signal boost. Love you guys! <3

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/527645.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

So, I have raised about $220. THANK YOU EVERYONE. It turns out Morgan will be able to pay the $600 this month that I am supposed to get for medication costs, so that will... almost cover rent.

What I need to raise at this point is probably about $200, because it's not quite rent, plus I have medications that will need refilled... at the beginning of the month, and they add up. This is a MUCH easier goal to reach than the full $850. Again, any little bit helps, even a $5 or $10. Seriously. It adds up.

If you're able to help, awesome; if you're not please signal boost? Here is the following altered text:

nonnycat is in a bit of a pickle. She now has (almost enough) money to cover rent, but not enough for medication that she needs to control a chronic pain disorder. These medications, even with insurance, come up to about $200. If anybody is able to help, her paypal address is mistressnonny@gmail.com, and it will be greatly appreciated. Signal boosts are also appreciated!

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/527371.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Because of various circumstances, my poly-family (which include four disabled people, myself included, who have not been able to get on disability) are going to be short on rent for November. The one able-bodied member of the household gets paid the 15th of each month, and while we have the money to cover October rent and expenses, we are starting at a deficit because of how long his training took (about two months).

The main reason for the deficit is because my poly-family moved cross-country to be closer to us (myself and my now former partner), and have better job opportunities (and S, who can work, is definitely making a lot more than back east). However, they weren't able to find housing because nobody would rent to someone who was in training and had no income as of yet. The time spent in a residence hotel while trying to house-hunt, and then, to apartment-hunt, which turned out to be successful, depleted a significant portion of reserves. We've been managing to squeak by since but we are squeaking our last squeak.

Rent is $850. I know a lot of my flist doesn't have a lot of money themselves, so even when I have been in bad positions before, I haven't wanted to ask. My former partner won't have the money, and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them anyway as we are in the process of separating. My parents also wouldn't be able to help because of their financial situation, and general disapproval of the situation. Their families wouldn't be able (or willing, also due to general disapproval) to help. I have tried to consider every option, and we have not been able to come up with one.

So, I am asking, when I have never asked before, for help. Any little bit that you can spare will be greatly appreciated, and I hate that I have to ask in the first place. Again, rent is $850, and my PayPal address is mistressnonny@gmail.com.

Please signal boost if you wish.

This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/526253.html. Please comment there using OpenID.