Aelin Lovelace

So, I happened upon my posts regarding my father raising me as male while looking for something entirely different. I re-read what I said at the time, years ago, and there is something that stuck out at me. I don't know if I didn't realize how bad it was at the time, or if I was simply in denial, or if I misunderstood the terminology, but here goes.

I said I did not experience body dysphoria. In fact, I do. I have severe PCOS; my diagnosing endocrinologist said I was one of the most severe cases she had seen in her 20+ years of practice and asked for my consent to have her student come in so she could describe what to look for. I agreed, because I know from having multiple medical folk in my family that you gain more information when the doctors are speaking to other doctors or medical students. It was enlightening, and I learned things about PCOS that I likely would not have come across otherwise.

( Lots of gender related thoughts and shit, also this is long as fuck, so be warned )

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This is from my GF Omi, who I love very dearly, but we can only help so much financially. If we had the money, we would. Also if someone wants to concise-ify for signal boosts, feel free. I don't think I can any more than this. (Also, the medication she is speaking of is psychiatric meds that I get here without a drug test.)

Please take a look at the Indiegogo page, and signal boost if you can!

Originally posted by omimouse at Halp

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I was talking with paul_zap about parents and something he said went "click!"

I posted the other day about the movie Watchmen. I had a lot of issues with the movie, and yes, I do get that what I found so abhorrent is supposed to be the point of the movie; that doesn't mean I find it any less disgusting. I had issues of theme and philosophy, and those still stand. However! I realized just why it was so personal to me vs. a simple dislike.

It's because that is how my dad has portrayed the world to me from day one. I grew up being taught that all people will do horrible, evil things if given the chance. He would tell scenarios, in graphic detail, from the time I was 11 onward. He would point out people in parking lots and say what he thought they were thinking. That the older guy who came out with a pack of booze was probably going to drug and rape someone. That the mother with the kids would abuse and beat them all when she got the chance. That the young woman in a pretty dress was a slut and asking to be raped. He would literally sit there and point out what he thought would happen -- and then he would ask me what I thought. And demand that I go into the same amount of minute detail.

The main narrator for Watchman could have been my father. I am not kidding. There were lines in there about women, in specific, that I have heard almost word-for-word from my father. My father's reaction to the violence acted out on those women? Would be that they deserved what they got because they were sluts. My father has cut off more than one woman who has been raped because he believes rape only happens in dark allies, and if you knew the guy? You were leading him on and being a fucking cocktease and thus you deserved what you got. And you probably wanted it too.

I can't disconnect myself from my background. I don't think anyone can. In light of the hell I grew up in, I don't see that there is any way I could have enjoyed that movie. It is absolutely, without a doubt, howhe views the world. And it isn't that he's just been so mistreated that he has nothing good to compare; he is convinced that any good or kind act must be an act of manipulation, for the other person to get something out of it, vs. "Hey, maybe they just were actually being nice". Not according to him. Nobody is nice. Everyone has an agenda.

I've tried for years to scrub my brain clean, because his view of the world is Absolutely Not Healthy. I am only going into it briefly here... if you want more detail, run through my "family" tag. I try so hard to believe that there is hope, that there is something to hold onto, that people aren't all the scum that he seems to think they are. I have to hold onto that, because I won't live in his world. I simply will not.

Watching that movie was like being a teen again, forced into a situation I did not want, helpless to protest or do anything whatsoever. Listen. Listen. Only listen. Never speak. I could have turned the movie off, certainly, but by this point... I simply couldn't do anything but stare and cry and rage. It was like going back home to hell. It was like going back in time to a place where I had no control over any aspect of my own life (well, maybe what underwear I would wear that day) and where I existed solely to serve his whims. Going back to when I didn't know if he was going to lose his "famous Irish temper" and wallop me for some imagined smart-ass comment.

I've done a lot of work trying to clean out my head. I think I've done a pretty good job, because most people don't realize I have these issues until I post something like this. Someday, maybe I can be free. Free of... this... Maybe. Someday...

I was going to post something earlier today but needed to wait to get permission. Now that I have it, here goes. I'm sure omimouse will have a more detailed post up later once they're home, but these are the highlights from what she and Louis have told me.

First, I need to explain the people involved as they're a polyamorous group, which makes it more difficult than "husband" and "ex-wife." warinbear and catchild used to be married but were divorced a few years ago. omimouse is involved with both warinbear and louisadkins. ebonunicorn is catchild's new husband and partner of several years. There are three children involved: Bearcub, Puppy, and Pooka, listed by age. The eldest two are warinbear's; the youngest is ebonunicorn. They lived together at one point but Warin, Louis, and Naomi separated a few years back from Catchild and Ebon (whose name is on record as Paul Alexander Montgomery the Third, but I will refer to as Ebon for simplicity, and the fact that I hate he shares a name with my boyfriend).

A bit over a year ago, Bearcub confided in Louis and Naomi (who might as well also be her parents) that Ebon raped her from the time that she was 9 to when she turned 11. At that point, she demanded he stop, and he did -- but not without continuing to harass and express interest. This was reported to the police immediately, and DCS got involved.

( Might be triggering... but read... please read... )

ETA: News article on the trial here. Also, Omimouse's entry.