Aelin Lovelace

At this rate, I'm going to need a filter for this. Although I realized it technically falls under health issues since those are a contributing factor.

So between chatting at LJ, DW, and a trans/queer group on Fetlife I trust, I've gotten some interesting feedback. Some of this I want to copy, but for confidentiality, I'll only post my replies.

A few trans women on Fet suggested that what I am going through sounds a lot like trans issues. I am not comfortable using the trans label, because essentially what I am dealing with is being raised as male, punished for presenting female or showing any interests in coded female things, went through a sort of variant on the trans puberty issues because I had untreated PCOS from 13-22-ish. To bring numbers into it (not exact), cis women have testosterone levels around 80. Mine was close to 300. Cis male T numbers are in the 200-900 range (roughly). So, I was WAY WAY WAY above normal levels, and it has had permanent side effects. I mentioned previously about being misgendered; upon further thought, it happens more than I think. I have just learned to "pass", for lack of a better word, with clothing that shows off my cleavage. If I wear anything baggy? People assume I'm male. If I'm on the phone and don't use my "phone voice"? Same thing.

One trans person put it as, even though I was not assigned male as birth (AMAB), I was assigned male in childhood, and that has a massive effect. I'm just starting to realize how much so. She suggested that as terminology; another trans woman friend suggested "raised male against my will". I also like the suggestion of "genderfluid genderqueer woman", although that leaves out the childhood aspect. I think all fit, and I'm sorta weighing which is likely to be more acceptable. I am definitely not comfortable identifying as trans, although the umbrella term of trans* might be a possibility (since I believe it includes genderqueer, genderfluid, bigender, agender, non-binary, gender neutral, gender non-conforming, etc, under that label). Thoughts? (Esp appreciated from trans friends.)

( TW: child abuse, transphobia, sexism/misogyny, gaslighting, my dad being a total sexist douchecanoe, mention of suicidal ideation -- let's hope the cut works this time )

It's kinda amazing, though, how so much stuff I had accepted as "normal" just sticks out now. Like, WTF Dad, seriously? I'm almost 30, and it's taken me this long to figure it out.

Something someone mentioned in the thread, too, was that my previous endo had wanted to put me on spironolactone, which is an anti-androgen. Since, at the time, my med schedule would have made that difficult (my endo said that the 2 pills needed to be taken strictly twice a day, and that did not work with all my other meds being 3x a day), I didn't go through with it. But what the trans woman mentioned was that it could be, in my case, be considered HRT -- and that sorta fits. Because even though PCOS is something that plenty of cis women deal with, that with the combination of my childhood... it feels like more than another med to take, it feels like reclaiming my gender. It feels important. And more than words can really say. I'm not sure it would be the same if I hadn't been raised male, but with that factor, it feels... different, and important, and an act of strength and reclaiming/rediscovering who I am.

So, I'm not quite sure where to define myself yet. That's still a work in progress. But I'm making a lot of headway in realizing the depth of abuse that was done to me, and I'm seriously thinking I need to find a trans-friendly, abuse-specialized therapist, because the two are intertwined so much.

That is the current update on Nonny and her explorations of gender. :P Any thoughts or comments much appreciated. :) (Also, as it has been brought up, if folks have resources for femme as gender, I would be curious to see those, as it has also been suggested to me by a few people. :)

Part of me, though, is still feeling like I'm just doing this to be attention seeking and looking for a Speshul Snoflayke label... with my anxiety, I suspect that's something I'll deal with for awhile. Logically, I know there will be people who will roll my eyes at me and consider me that way, but I think it is more important to work through these issues, to whatever conclusion I come to, than try to keep burying it. I've been trying that for nearly 30 years and it hasn't worked, so evidently, there is a problem there.