[Life/General] Gender, Redux
Nov. 30th, 2016 06:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elialshadowpineSo, I happened upon my posts regarding my father raising me as male while looking for something entirely different. I re-read what I said at the time, years ago, and there is something that stuck out at me. I don't know if I didn't realize how bad it was at the time, or if I was simply in denial, or if I misunderstood the terminology, but here goes.
I said I did not experience body dysphoria. In fact, I do. I have severe PCOS; my diagnosing endocrinologist said I was one of the most severe cases she had seen in her 20+ years of practice and asked for my consent to have her student come in so she could describe what to look for. I agreed, because I know from having multiple medical folk in my family that you gain more information when the doctors are speaking to other doctors or medical students. It was enlightening, and I learned things about PCOS that I likely would not have come across otherwise.
I have extreme hirsutism. It is especially noticeable on my face. The hair grows back ridiculously fast; if I shave, I will have stubble within 12 hours, perhaps less. It is triggerinrg and dysphoric. I hate my body every time I bathe and shave. I find myself putting off bathing (not to the point of uncleanliness, though) because it affects me so very much.
I will be speaking to my PCP when I have an appointment about an increased dose of spironolactone, which is an anti-androgen that is supposed to help minimize hair growth. The dosage I have been on does literally nothing, and it is likely because of the severity of my case. My testosterone levels, when unmedicated through hormonal birth control, were above 300, which is in the range of a cis male. It's low-normal for a cis male, but it's still in the range.
Even with HBC, my testosterone levels are around 90, which I am told by multiple of my trans women friends is still way too high. They have said their doctors want it to be around 20ish, or less. That's a fairly significant difference.
I otherwise feel comfortable in my body, but this? This has haunted me for almost twenty years, since I began puberty and developed in a sort of half-male/half-female sense. For example, my voice dropped and cracked as a cis male's would, among other things that I don't think I need to list. Combined with my father raising me as male, the son he wanted (never mind the two he already had), and the punishment I received if I showed any interest whatsoever in anything "girly," this was a double fuck. Not only was I being abused and tormented, my own body was betraying me.
I identify at this point as trans*, although I do not have a specific term, so I use the umbrella label. I don't think there is a term for my situation. I had considered genderqueer or genderfluid, but neither are accurate as I identify strongly as female. For all that our relationship was contentious at points, I can thank Vel for that; I moved from my oppressive family home into a household where an extremely femme woman was strong, dominant, and effectively the head of the household. She portrayed how to be a woman while not falling into stereotypical gender roles, but still enjoying "girly" things like provocative clothing and cosmetics. I learned how to apply cosmetics from her.
I honestly had previously considered transition, due to my father's fuckery with my head. I believe to this day that while his initial reaction would be negative, he would be eventually proud and happy that he had the son he wanted. That's fucked up, beyond belief. If I hadn't lived it, I might not believe it myself. Okay, wait, I would, because I don't question other people's lived experiences and take them at their word, but I hope that my meaning is clear.
I am trans*, I am body dysphoric, and it has been commented upon, again, by trans women friends, that the medications I need, MUST, be on in order to lower my testosterone and its effects are effectively HRT. I had not considered it that way previously, but it is a good point. I do not like the person I am when I do not have medication to control those things. That person is not me, and she scares me. She hurts the people I love, and deliberately so, while I have absolutely no control whatsoever. This is why I have the diagnosis of DID-NOS, not because of my headmates, which are "arranged" in a functional collective. The reason for NOS is because I don't lose time, which is apparently essential to the diagnosis for standard DID. My psych assured me, however, that it still "counted", and it was still DID, but that she had to abide by the DSM-V guidelines. That is also why I am diagnosed with autism and not Asperger's; I was diagnosed after the DSM-V removed Asperger's as a diagnosis entirely.
And there are still remnants of my father's training. I was policed heavily in body language, vocal tones, word usage, and other things. My fiancee has had to catch herself from using male pronouns because I "read" as masculine to her; needless to say, it was entirely accidental, but still. I am also misgendered despite that much of my clothing shows considerable cleavage. I still get called "sir." In a sense, I do not consistently "pass" as a woman, even though I distinctly look like one. All the other things that read as male seem to override my assigned and identified gender. I will note it has been better for me out here in the PNW than it was in MA, where I wsa frequently misgendered. But there is a distinct cultural difference between the West and East coasts.
That doesn't mean it doesn't still happen; it just happens less often. Oh, and Texas. I got misgendered a lot there, especially when I was working for IHOP and their required uniform exacerbated my masculine facial and body features. It has been commented on that I could easily go androgynous, but that's not me. The photos I take and post are ones that I deliberately angle (what has been called the "MySpace selfie", even though I was doing that way before MySPace was even a thing) to highlight my more feminine features. If you see a photo of me straight on, well. The masculine features are pretty obvious. I delete any photos that show me as masculine or androgynous, because they are dysphoria triggers.
I have also not experienced many of the common oppression that women face. I have not been cat-called, except for one incident when I was 13. My opinion has been respected and listened to by males, and not reassigned credit to another male. I have not been the victim of online harassment, except from radical feminists (think TERFS). I do not fear walking alone at night, anywhere, even in the city, and I have never been accosted or harassed. I could go on. My experience is highly unusual, and I believe it is because I read so strongly as male that I gain a certain amount of male privilege. It's not entirely true for everything, but it is more so than other women receive. It has resulted in my feeling like an outsider in women's and feminist communities, because I simply do not share the same experiences. I have never been the victim of them. I have always been accepted as not just "one of the guys" (you know, not like those other women who are all girly and shit /sarcasm) but I would go so far as to say an "honorary male."
Come to think, this is also social dysphoria. I don't fit in this culture. I'm not sure there is a culture on this planet that I would fit into. At the risk of sounding all woo-woo, I have always had memories of where I came from, a place where gender roles effectively did not exist, and the only differences were physical. Yes, there were trans people there, too, but it was accepted and respected, because all it boiled down to was a body shift. I come from that, and it has also affected my outlook on society. It has meant that on a fundamental level, I do not understand, or grok, this culture, or any that I have been exposed to here on Earth.
It has also been commented upon by other trans women that I am effectively transitioning due to my medication requirements and that I have had to learn how to female. It is not something I was brought up into, and while I identify strongly as a woman and femme, it's not something that comes particularly naturally to me. It's something I have had to work for, and hard. It has been difficult as hell, and I'm sure my trans friends reading this understand what I'm talking about. I dearly hope that doesn't sound approriative, as it is meant to reflect my experiences and the similarities that several trans women have commented on. I do not mean this to come across in the "token friend" sense, because it has been said by at least a half dozen trans women, perhaps more. I don't remember for sure, but when that many people comment in agreement, I listen and pay attention. I am absolutely certain there are trans women who naturally gravitate towards feminine body language and etc., but I certainly do not, and I am not the only one by far, according to multiple shared experiences.
I don't quite know where I'm going with this, except that reading those old posts made me re-think how I have identified myself and the experiences I have. I identify as trans* because I certainly do not fit in the category of a cis woman, but there's no real descriptor for my situation. I've bitterly called it "gender-fuck(ed-up)" before. I wish there was a term I could use, because that would help me define it in shorthand, rather than needing to explain the entire childhood/adolescent experience. If anyone has thoughts, please do share. I know I am not bigender, agender, nor pangender, and while some have suggested intersex because of my medical condition, I feel that is absolutely appropriative and I will not use it, period.
I looked up a list of gender identities, and one that seems that might fit is gender non-conforming. But that doesn't highlight the intense identity as a woman, either. Another suggested is transfeminine, but I also don't know if that's appropriative. It might not be, since I use trans* and identify strongly as a feminine woman. I welcome thoughts especially from those friends of mine who are trans, because I am out of my element and uncertain. I also do not wish to intrude upon other people's identities, and misuse labels that do not apply to me.
Anyway. I think I'll stop here, because this is already long enough. I very much work through issues by journaling online, where others can read and comment (and I feel less alone than if I were to keep a private journal, which may just be a me thing), but damn I can get long.
Cookies of choice and much love for those who have read this far. I love you guys. <3
This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/552266.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
I said I did not experience body dysphoria. In fact, I do. I have severe PCOS; my diagnosing endocrinologist said I was one of the most severe cases she had seen in her 20+ years of practice and asked for my consent to have her student come in so she could describe what to look for. I agreed, because I know from having multiple medical folk in my family that you gain more information when the doctors are speaking to other doctors or medical students. It was enlightening, and I learned things about PCOS that I likely would not have come across otherwise.
I have extreme hirsutism. It is especially noticeable on my face. The hair grows back ridiculously fast; if I shave, I will have stubble within 12 hours, perhaps less. It is triggerinrg and dysphoric. I hate my body every time I bathe and shave. I find myself putting off bathing (not to the point of uncleanliness, though) because it affects me so very much.
I will be speaking to my PCP when I have an appointment about an increased dose of spironolactone, which is an anti-androgen that is supposed to help minimize hair growth. The dosage I have been on does literally nothing, and it is likely because of the severity of my case. My testosterone levels, when unmedicated through hormonal birth control, were above 300, which is in the range of a cis male. It's low-normal for a cis male, but it's still in the range.
Even with HBC, my testosterone levels are around 90, which I am told by multiple of my trans women friends is still way too high. They have said their doctors want it to be around 20ish, or less. That's a fairly significant difference.
I otherwise feel comfortable in my body, but this? This has haunted me for almost twenty years, since I began puberty and developed in a sort of half-male/half-female sense. For example, my voice dropped and cracked as a cis male's would, among other things that I don't think I need to list. Combined with my father raising me as male, the son he wanted (never mind the two he already had), and the punishment I received if I showed any interest whatsoever in anything "girly," this was a double fuck. Not only was I being abused and tormented, my own body was betraying me.
I identify at this point as trans*, although I do not have a specific term, so I use the umbrella label. I don't think there is a term for my situation. I had considered genderqueer or genderfluid, but neither are accurate as I identify strongly as female. For all that our relationship was contentious at points, I can thank Vel for that; I moved from my oppressive family home into a household where an extremely femme woman was strong, dominant, and effectively the head of the household. She portrayed how to be a woman while not falling into stereotypical gender roles, but still enjoying "girly" things like provocative clothing and cosmetics. I learned how to apply cosmetics from her.
I honestly had previously considered transition, due to my father's fuckery with my head. I believe to this day that while his initial reaction would be negative, he would be eventually proud and happy that he had the son he wanted. That's fucked up, beyond belief. If I hadn't lived it, I might not believe it myself. Okay, wait, I would, because I don't question other people's lived experiences and take them at their word, but I hope that my meaning is clear.
I am trans*, I am body dysphoric, and it has been commented upon, again, by trans women friends, that the medications I need, MUST, be on in order to lower my testosterone and its effects are effectively HRT. I had not considered it that way previously, but it is a good point. I do not like the person I am when I do not have medication to control those things. That person is not me, and she scares me. She hurts the people I love, and deliberately so, while I have absolutely no control whatsoever. This is why I have the diagnosis of DID-NOS, not because of my headmates, which are "arranged" in a functional collective. The reason for NOS is because I don't lose time, which is apparently essential to the diagnosis for standard DID. My psych assured me, however, that it still "counted", and it was still DID, but that she had to abide by the DSM-V guidelines. That is also why I am diagnosed with autism and not Asperger's; I was diagnosed after the DSM-V removed Asperger's as a diagnosis entirely.
And there are still remnants of my father's training. I was policed heavily in body language, vocal tones, word usage, and other things. My fiancee has had to catch herself from using male pronouns because I "read" as masculine to her; needless to say, it was entirely accidental, but still. I am also misgendered despite that much of my clothing shows considerable cleavage. I still get called "sir." In a sense, I do not consistently "pass" as a woman, even though I distinctly look like one. All the other things that read as male seem to override my assigned and identified gender. I will note it has been better for me out here in the PNW than it was in MA, where I wsa frequently misgendered. But there is a distinct cultural difference between the West and East coasts.
That doesn't mean it doesn't still happen; it just happens less often. Oh, and Texas. I got misgendered a lot there, especially when I was working for IHOP and their required uniform exacerbated my masculine facial and body features. It has been commented on that I could easily go androgynous, but that's not me. The photos I take and post are ones that I deliberately angle (what has been called the "MySpace selfie", even though I was doing that way before MySPace was even a thing) to highlight my more feminine features. If you see a photo of me straight on, well. The masculine features are pretty obvious. I delete any photos that show me as masculine or androgynous, because they are dysphoria triggers.
I have also not experienced many of the common oppression that women face. I have not been cat-called, except for one incident when I was 13. My opinion has been respected and listened to by males, and not reassigned credit to another male. I have not been the victim of online harassment, except from radical feminists (think TERFS). I do not fear walking alone at night, anywhere, even in the city, and I have never been accosted or harassed. I could go on. My experience is highly unusual, and I believe it is because I read so strongly as male that I gain a certain amount of male privilege. It's not entirely true for everything, but it is more so than other women receive. It has resulted in my feeling like an outsider in women's and feminist communities, because I simply do not share the same experiences. I have never been the victim of them. I have always been accepted as not just "one of the guys" (you know, not like those other women who are all girly and shit /sarcasm) but I would go so far as to say an "honorary male."
Come to think, this is also social dysphoria. I don't fit in this culture. I'm not sure there is a culture on this planet that I would fit into. At the risk of sounding all woo-woo, I have always had memories of where I came from, a place where gender roles effectively did not exist, and the only differences were physical. Yes, there were trans people there, too, but it was accepted and respected, because all it boiled down to was a body shift. I come from that, and it has also affected my outlook on society. It has meant that on a fundamental level, I do not understand, or grok, this culture, or any that I have been exposed to here on Earth.
It has also been commented upon by other trans women that I am effectively transitioning due to my medication requirements and that I have had to learn how to female. It is not something I was brought up into, and while I identify strongly as a woman and femme, it's not something that comes particularly naturally to me. It's something I have had to work for, and hard. It has been difficult as hell, and I'm sure my trans friends reading this understand what I'm talking about. I dearly hope that doesn't sound approriative, as it is meant to reflect my experiences and the similarities that several trans women have commented on. I do not mean this to come across in the "token friend" sense, because it has been said by at least a half dozen trans women, perhaps more. I don't remember for sure, but when that many people comment in agreement, I listen and pay attention. I am absolutely certain there are trans women who naturally gravitate towards feminine body language and etc., but I certainly do not, and I am not the only one by far, according to multiple shared experiences.
I don't quite know where I'm going with this, except that reading those old posts made me re-think how I have identified myself and the experiences I have. I identify as trans* because I certainly do not fit in the category of a cis woman, but there's no real descriptor for my situation. I've bitterly called it "gender-fuck(ed-up)" before. I wish there was a term I could use, because that would help me define it in shorthand, rather than needing to explain the entire childhood/adolescent experience. If anyone has thoughts, please do share. I know I am not bigender, agender, nor pangender, and while some have suggested intersex because of my medical condition, I feel that is absolutely appropriative and I will not use it, period.
I looked up a list of gender identities, and one that seems that might fit is gender non-conforming. But that doesn't highlight the intense identity as a woman, either. Another suggested is transfeminine, but I also don't know if that's appropriative. It might not be, since I use trans* and identify strongly as a feminine woman. I welcome thoughts especially from those friends of mine who are trans, because I am out of my element and uncertain. I also do not wish to intrude upon other people's identities, and misuse labels that do not apply to me.
Anyway. I think I'll stop here, because this is already long enough. I very much work through issues by journaling online, where others can read and comment (and I feel less alone than if I were to keep a private journal, which may just be a me thing), but damn I can get long.
Cookies of choice and much love for those who have read this far. I love you guys. <3
This entry was originally posted at http://nonny.dreamwidth.org/552266.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-30 06:03 pm (UTC)You have to deal with many of the same issues that intersex people deal with, and your gender experience and dysphoria also falls under the trans* umbrella.
Obviously, you don't have to use a term that feels uncomfortable and appropriative, but your medical issues certainly mean that you have some shared experiences there.
Wishing you luck with the additional dosage of spironolactone!
**hugs**
<3
(no subject)
Date: 2016-12-01 10:51 am (UTC)I've never had any pressure or desire to present as male, but I do have PCOS and a seriously annoying amount of facial hair and a somewhat thinning hairline. Having red hair at least means it's a little less visible. Spironolactone did bugger-all for me. And yes, it is dysphoric, it's not what my body is supposed to look like.
(Fortunately metformin and eating like a diabetic were sufficient to make my reproductive system produce two children.)
Soon everything in my body that produces female hormones is going to be removed due to complex atypical endometrial hyperplasia. I'm absolutely dreading this. I wish I could somehow make it possible for me to not have to do this. My transman friend who is so male he can't come out should be able to get top surgery and a hysterectomy and not get jerked around, and here I'm forced to get an extremely thorough one so I don't get cancer. I've already lost desire for coupled sex, now I'll probably lose masturbation. I hate this.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-12-03 01:53 am (UTC)