My unconscious is fucked up...
Jul. 14th, 2005 03:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elialshadowpine(Reposted because Melly had trouble seeing it... stupid LJ is probably screwing the filters again.)
Like, so totally fucked up. As in, I really shouldn't be having dreams like this. Posting this behind an extremely closed filter...![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
stormerider, gerriwritinglog, catchild, and lady_melinda are the only people on the filter at this point.
The dream started with me trying to find my way around a massive building... multiple levels, almost like an office or military complex of sorts. I didn't know precisely where I was. I was there, for a reason, but I didn't know the layout of the place. Eventually, someone--I can't remember who--took my arm and led me through a set of doors and up a flight of stairs. We came out into a large room divided up into sections by moveable office walls, with curtains and such over the openings.
Somebody explained to me that this was living quarters for civilians, and showed me to my nook. As threat of war and storm rose later in the dream, I'm assuming that it was part of an emergency shelter provided by the military.
At this point, I knew Morgan was there, but I didn't know where he was. So I decided to go looking. At this point, things started to progress rapidly, so I may have order of events confused, and I don't know why everything happened. Anyway. While I was looking for Morgan, I ran into Daniel Jackson (from Stargate), who both Morgan and I knew well for some reason. I explained that I couldn't find my male, he was concerned, and we both went off looking together.
We ended up going outside the building, through a garden, and into another complex before we found him, with Vel. Apparently in the dream, Morgan and Vel were very attracted to each other. Basically, we checked in, but Vel was very cold and cruel to me. I can't remember exactly what she said, but she wanted Morgan to see or do something, and kept pulling at him. He went. I tried to shrug it off.
The dream jumped a lot then, but I got the feeling that it was mainly a lot of waiting. Wandering around, talking with Daniel, concerned about Morgan and Vel, but, at the same point, I didn't want to outright interfere. After a few hours or so, we went back, and found them having sex.
From that point, I don't know how much time passed. Embarrassed, I left. Every other time I went back to find him, he was with her, either fucking or otherwise occupied. Whenever I tried to make my presence known, she snubbed me, distracted him, took him away. I tried to talk to Morgan, and he brushed me off. Like he didn't care. I was devastated, because I loved him ... I loved him so much, and yet he evidently felt more for her ... and I could tell she was doing it intentionally, to hurt me. She had her male, her partner, her soulbond, and yet here she was, trying to take away mine.
Devastation. Anger. Jealousy. They all raged in me. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was losing him. Like there was nothing I could do. Because... I have always felt that if any male of mine could be drawn away by a pair of pretty tits, then he's not worth having. I didn't have a problem with the idea of her being a casual lover on the side, but I had a serious problem with the fact that she was quite obviously trying to "steal," for lack of a better word, him from me. And it was like ... like he was under her spell. Like he didn't know what he was doing. Like he didn't care. Which hurt... so very deeply... like a knife into my heart.
Daniel was still with me. He saw how hurt I was, took me aside, and held me while I cried, because I felt like the other part of me was being torn away. In the dream, he and I held a deep attraction towards each other, and ... we fell into each others arms and had sex. (Incidentally, I think this might be the first dream in which I've had sex and not woken up in the middle.) Which... is characteristic for me. When I am deeply upset, grieving, or devastated, I seek comfort in the arms of another... by preference, either someone already a lover, or else a close friend. I'm not entirely sure it's healthy, but it's something that lies deep within me, that I don't think I can change. Even my youngest sexual fantasies, dating from when I was around six or seven, were of the hurt/comfort sort.
Afterwards, we tried to find Morgan and Vel again, but they were nowhere to be found, which had me in even more of a fit. So Daniel and I returned to the first complex, where General Hammond warned us that the situation had escalated, and our enemies were coming closer. They used some sort of technology to alter the weather patterns, and we were located in a valley extremely susceptible to flooding. He said that we needed to prepare for immediate evacuation, because our enemies were converging upon us, and they were not at danger from the impending flood.
So we went in search of Morgan and Vel again, looking everywhere, for what seemed forever. I grew ever more agitated as it continued. On one hand, I was furious at Vel for what she was doing, for manipulating him. On the other hand, I was furious at him for letting himself be manipulated, because he knew what she was.
Eventually, Daniel laid his hand on my shoulder. "We're not going to find them," he said. "We need to get back to shelter before it's too late for us. Hopefully they got back before us, maybe a different section of the complex."
I didn't like it, but ... I felt so numb. My heart had been taken yet again into frozen hands and squeezed until it bled. I didn't know if I could trust Morgan anymore, not after this. Not after he let her of all people do this.
We returned to the facility for evacuation. Everything went by so fast then... I saw the flood coming, rushing through the valley, as we headed into the mountains. At some point, when we reached another shelter, we stopped, and Daniel and I found Morgan and Vel. Enraged, I took him aside and demanded to know what the hell had gone on. Why he'd avoided me. Why he'd let her control him. Why. Why. Fucking why?
He did nothing but make excuses, try to paint it as something different. Tried to make it out as less important than it was. Like I was complaining about nothing. I got angrier. His response was to say something akin to, "Well, you're fucking Daniel, so it's none of your damn business who I sleep with." And insinuated I was in love with him.
Which hurt even deeper, and I knew... knew... that it was more likely than not irreparable. Because if this was his reaction ... I didn't want him. I didn't want to be with someone who obviously cared so little for me... and I didn't know why it had happened.
... and of course, Winamp would have to shuffle to Betrayal by L'ame Immortelle.
As he continued to defend himself, I got too angry to speak and stormed away before I did something rash like ripped his dick off and shoved it up his ass. Or Vel's. I ended up falling back into Daniel's arms and crying again, because I felt like I'd lost everything.... and at that point, I woke up.
Looking at it from an interpretatory stance, I know it's not about reality. It's fear of being abandoned. And I know why I had it now. I've been realising over the past few days that, while I love Morgan dearly... he and I are very different in some regards. I'm ... a creature of chaos and paradox; I change and move forward very quickly. Others see me as moving at hyperspeed, while I see most normal people as moving like molasses. (No offense meant by this.) Other people have either tried to hold me back to their speed--or those who have tried to meet it have burned out. For a short time, before Robert and I got together and the first few months we were, he met my pace in regards to writing... and the gestalt that developed from that, the meshing of mind and idea, has been something I have craved ever since. Except I find now I crave it in regards to magic as well as my writing... and it's complicated. Morgan and I are on two ends of the extreme; he is slow in change to the point that I consider it stagnant, and I am fast to the point he considers reckless. We both need the balance to even us out. I need his stability. At the same point, I crave, I need the gestalt of someone like-minded.
After what happened with Alli, I'd accepted that I apparently wasn't meant for poly. The past few months, I'd been thinking about it a bit more, and realised that it wasn't that so much as she and I were not compatible. While magic has always been a part of my life, it's become quite a bit more intense over the past few months, to the point that I don't think I could have a serious, long-term partner relationship with someone who does not understand me on that level. And Alli... while she has potential... if she is to awaken, she needs to come into it on her own rather than having it triggered by me, as I know I am prone to do, being a catalyst. (And it's also worth noting that one of the past life memories that came up over the past few months is that Alli was my daughter at one point. Not physical, but ... the daughter of my soul, like Jaenelle and Saetan in The Black Jewels trilogy. Which explains why I've always felt motherly towards her, which isn't a normal feeling for me.)
Anyway. Tangent aside. The more I'd been thinking about it, the more I realised it would have to be someone compatible with me... but yesterday, it hit me that it's something I need. That on many levels, I'm not built for a monogamous relationship. That even with someone I love as much as I love Morgan... I still long for, crave for, more. And I just have this... deep knowing that I will find that person, eventually. Just... I don't know when. One of the things I brought up with Morgan last night, and we really needed more time than we had to discuss, was the possibility that the person who met those needs might be male rather than female. (I doubt it, but you never know.)
That and ... I finished re-reading The Forbidden Tower by MZB recently, and the dynamic of the polyamorous relationship between two couples that becomes a quartet ... is something I longed for even when I was younger, when I first read the book at around 11 or 12. (Though I didn't even consider it as a possibility at that point.) Morgan... you need to read this book, if only to understand me.
*sigh* And yet, I feel like I'm ... selfish or greedy or something for that. I feel like I want too much, need too much, that I should be fine with what I have, instead of always wanting more.
So the whole thing with Daniel in the dream is more a representation of an unknown person than of anything else. Had it been someone I knew, like, say, Eledh, or Lugh, I would have looked at it differently. Looking at it, the dream probably is about my fears that if I find someone else I love deeply, Morgan will abandon me for someone else, which consciously, I know isn't the case... but my past experiences with polyamory haven't been good. What I didn't outright state using this word in the description of the dream... was that control over the situation had been taken out of my hands completely by a third party. Considering Vel had all the control in my prior polyamorous relationship, it seems logical that she represents that.
I find myself hungrier for control than I used to be ... probably because I've never had it before. Always, in the past, someone else had control of the situation/s. Someone else pulled the strings. Jump, Nonny. Roll over, Nonny. Fetch, Nonny. I'm not fuckin' doing it anymore. Unfortunately, I think, as happened with aggression after I left Robert, I'm going a bit farther in the opposite direction. Eventually it'll even out... but I fear in the meantime, I may be too extreme. *sighs*
Anyway... that's it. Thoughts and comments would be muchly appreciated. *hugs and love to y'all*
Like, so totally fucked up. As in, I really shouldn't be having dreams like this. Posting this behind an extremely closed filter...
stormerider, gerriwritinglog, catchild, and lady_melinda are the only people on the filter at this point.The dream started with me trying to find my way around a massive building... multiple levels, almost like an office or military complex of sorts. I didn't know precisely where I was. I was there, for a reason, but I didn't know the layout of the place. Eventually, someone--I can't remember who--took my arm and led me through a set of doors and up a flight of stairs. We came out into a large room divided up into sections by moveable office walls, with curtains and such over the openings.
Somebody explained to me that this was living quarters for civilians, and showed me to my nook. As threat of war and storm rose later in the dream, I'm assuming that it was part of an emergency shelter provided by the military.
At this point, I knew Morgan was there, but I didn't know where he was. So I decided to go looking. At this point, things started to progress rapidly, so I may have order of events confused, and I don't know why everything happened. Anyway. While I was looking for Morgan, I ran into Daniel Jackson (from Stargate), who both Morgan and I knew well for some reason. I explained that I couldn't find my male, he was concerned, and we both went off looking together.
We ended up going outside the building, through a garden, and into another complex before we found him, with Vel. Apparently in the dream, Morgan and Vel were very attracted to each other. Basically, we checked in, but Vel was very cold and cruel to me. I can't remember exactly what she said, but she wanted Morgan to see or do something, and kept pulling at him. He went. I tried to shrug it off.
The dream jumped a lot then, but I got the feeling that it was mainly a lot of waiting. Wandering around, talking with Daniel, concerned about Morgan and Vel, but, at the same point, I didn't want to outright interfere. After a few hours or so, we went back, and found them having sex.
From that point, I don't know how much time passed. Embarrassed, I left. Every other time I went back to find him, he was with her, either fucking or otherwise occupied. Whenever I tried to make my presence known, she snubbed me, distracted him, took him away. I tried to talk to Morgan, and he brushed me off. Like he didn't care. I was devastated, because I loved him ... I loved him so much, and yet he evidently felt more for her ... and I could tell she was doing it intentionally, to hurt me. She had her male, her partner, her soulbond, and yet here she was, trying to take away mine.
Devastation. Anger. Jealousy. They all raged in me. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was losing him. Like there was nothing I could do. Because... I have always felt that if any male of mine could be drawn away by a pair of pretty tits, then he's not worth having. I didn't have a problem with the idea of her being a casual lover on the side, but I had a serious problem with the fact that she was quite obviously trying to "steal," for lack of a better word, him from me. And it was like ... like he was under her spell. Like he didn't know what he was doing. Like he didn't care. Which hurt... so very deeply... like a knife into my heart.
Daniel was still with me. He saw how hurt I was, took me aside, and held me while I cried, because I felt like the other part of me was being torn away. In the dream, he and I held a deep attraction towards each other, and ... we fell into each others arms and had sex. (Incidentally, I think this might be the first dream in which I've had sex and not woken up in the middle.) Which... is characteristic for me. When I am deeply upset, grieving, or devastated, I seek comfort in the arms of another... by preference, either someone already a lover, or else a close friend. I'm not entirely sure it's healthy, but it's something that lies deep within me, that I don't think I can change. Even my youngest sexual fantasies, dating from when I was around six or seven, were of the hurt/comfort sort.
Afterwards, we tried to find Morgan and Vel again, but they were nowhere to be found, which had me in even more of a fit. So Daniel and I returned to the first complex, where General Hammond warned us that the situation had escalated, and our enemies were coming closer. They used some sort of technology to alter the weather patterns, and we were located in a valley extremely susceptible to flooding. He said that we needed to prepare for immediate evacuation, because our enemies were converging upon us, and they were not at danger from the impending flood.
So we went in search of Morgan and Vel again, looking everywhere, for what seemed forever. I grew ever more agitated as it continued. On one hand, I was furious at Vel for what she was doing, for manipulating him. On the other hand, I was furious at him for letting himself be manipulated, because he knew what she was.
Eventually, Daniel laid his hand on my shoulder. "We're not going to find them," he said. "We need to get back to shelter before it's too late for us. Hopefully they got back before us, maybe a different section of the complex."
I didn't like it, but ... I felt so numb. My heart had been taken yet again into frozen hands and squeezed until it bled. I didn't know if I could trust Morgan anymore, not after this. Not after he let her of all people do this.
We returned to the facility for evacuation. Everything went by so fast then... I saw the flood coming, rushing through the valley, as we headed into the mountains. At some point, when we reached another shelter, we stopped, and Daniel and I found Morgan and Vel. Enraged, I took him aside and demanded to know what the hell had gone on. Why he'd avoided me. Why he'd let her control him. Why. Why. Fucking why?
He did nothing but make excuses, try to paint it as something different. Tried to make it out as less important than it was. Like I was complaining about nothing. I got angrier. His response was to say something akin to, "Well, you're fucking Daniel, so it's none of your damn business who I sleep with." And insinuated I was in love with him.
Which hurt even deeper, and I knew... knew... that it was more likely than not irreparable. Because if this was his reaction ... I didn't want him. I didn't want to be with someone who obviously cared so little for me... and I didn't know why it had happened.
... and of course, Winamp would have to shuffle to Betrayal by L'ame Immortelle.
As he continued to defend himself, I got too angry to speak and stormed away before I did something rash like ripped his dick off and shoved it up his ass. Or Vel's. I ended up falling back into Daniel's arms and crying again, because I felt like I'd lost everything.... and at that point, I woke up.
Looking at it from an interpretatory stance, I know it's not about reality. It's fear of being abandoned. And I know why I had it now. I've been realising over the past few days that, while I love Morgan dearly... he and I are very different in some regards. I'm ... a creature of chaos and paradox; I change and move forward very quickly. Others see me as moving at hyperspeed, while I see most normal people as moving like molasses. (No offense meant by this.) Other people have either tried to hold me back to their speed--or those who have tried to meet it have burned out. For a short time, before Robert and I got together and the first few months we were, he met my pace in regards to writing... and the gestalt that developed from that, the meshing of mind and idea, has been something I have craved ever since. Except I find now I crave it in regards to magic as well as my writing... and it's complicated. Morgan and I are on two ends of the extreme; he is slow in change to the point that I consider it stagnant, and I am fast to the point he considers reckless. We both need the balance to even us out. I need his stability. At the same point, I crave, I need the gestalt of someone like-minded.
After what happened with Alli, I'd accepted that I apparently wasn't meant for poly. The past few months, I'd been thinking about it a bit more, and realised that it wasn't that so much as she and I were not compatible. While magic has always been a part of my life, it's become quite a bit more intense over the past few months, to the point that I don't think I could have a serious, long-term partner relationship with someone who does not understand me on that level. And Alli... while she has potential... if she is to awaken, she needs to come into it on her own rather than having it triggered by me, as I know I am prone to do, being a catalyst. (And it's also worth noting that one of the past life memories that came up over the past few months is that Alli was my daughter at one point. Not physical, but ... the daughter of my soul, like Jaenelle and Saetan in The Black Jewels trilogy. Which explains why I've always felt motherly towards her, which isn't a normal feeling for me.)
Anyway. Tangent aside. The more I'd been thinking about it, the more I realised it would have to be someone compatible with me... but yesterday, it hit me that it's something I need. That on many levels, I'm not built for a monogamous relationship. That even with someone I love as much as I love Morgan... I still long for, crave for, more. And I just have this... deep knowing that I will find that person, eventually. Just... I don't know when. One of the things I brought up with Morgan last night, and we really needed more time than we had to discuss, was the possibility that the person who met those needs might be male rather than female. (I doubt it, but you never know.)
That and ... I finished re-reading The Forbidden Tower by MZB recently, and the dynamic of the polyamorous relationship between two couples that becomes a quartet ... is something I longed for even when I was younger, when I first read the book at around 11 or 12. (Though I didn't even consider it as a possibility at that point.) Morgan... you need to read this book, if only to understand me.
*sigh* And yet, I feel like I'm ... selfish or greedy or something for that. I feel like I want too much, need too much, that I should be fine with what I have, instead of always wanting more.
So the whole thing with Daniel in the dream is more a representation of an unknown person than of anything else. Had it been someone I knew, like, say, Eledh, or Lugh, I would have looked at it differently. Looking at it, the dream probably is about my fears that if I find someone else I love deeply, Morgan will abandon me for someone else, which consciously, I know isn't the case... but my past experiences with polyamory haven't been good. What I didn't outright state using this word in the description of the dream... was that control over the situation had been taken out of my hands completely by a third party. Considering Vel had all the control in my prior polyamorous relationship, it seems logical that she represents that.
I find myself hungrier for control than I used to be ... probably because I've never had it before. Always, in the past, someone else had control of the situation/s. Someone else pulled the strings. Jump, Nonny. Roll over, Nonny. Fetch, Nonny. I'm not fuckin' doing it anymore. Unfortunately, I think, as happened with aggression after I left Robert, I'm going a bit farther in the opposite direction. Eventually it'll even out... but I fear in the meantime, I may be too extreme. *sighs*
Anyway... that's it. Thoughts and comments would be muchly appreciated. *hugs and love to y'all*
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-14 11:05 pm (UTC)thoughts brought up by this ar ea bit jumbled to get out in any kind of cohearent format.
i'll think on it, if i haven't written a response in a week or so and you still want my input please nudge me via email.