[Family Issues and Gender] More stuff.
Dec. 29th, 2013 11:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elialshadowpineTW: Misogyny, Bullying, Mention of Emotional Incest, Gender Questioning and related stuff
I am copy-pasting this from an advice forum which I trust very much to be non transphobic. I have been talking about gender and stuff for awhile but it really hit me today.... I'm sorry if I'm going over details you already know, but I'd rather go over them for the benefit of folks who missed it the first time.
I am in an odd situation. I have been gender questioning for a bit, but my situation is this. I am female assigned at birth, but I was effectively raised a boy. You must understand here that I was homeschooled my entire childhood and adolesence saving when I was accepted into community college at 16 through a state program that pays tuition for high school age teenagers who pass a qualifying exam. When I was very young (below 5), my Mom was most involved in raising me, and she was very much trying to introduce other girls into my life and lean towards feminine coded gender roles. That said, Mom is (while she doesn't identify as it) very feminist, was a tomboy herself, and believed that women could do anything.
But things changed around when I was 5. I don't have clear memory but as I understand that is when my Dad's ex got custody of my youngest half-brother, and thus Dad had more time to spend with me. I believe Mom also got more hours at work, and her schedule changed, so she was on a week on, week off schedule, which meant that she usually spent a few days in recovery and then focused more on our schooling and doing family outings (often ones educationally related). She was also dealing with constant insomnia from during her work week and would sleep a lot.
But for the week she was working, Dad basically took over. There is unfortunately an aspect of emotional incest with my father, and part of how that took place was that I was the "special" one, that we had a special bond, that I was different. That tied into being raised as a boy, because Dad wanted a son. There were plenty of misogynystic things I was taught, but I was also taught that they didn't apply to me. Not because I wasn't "one of those girls, but because I wasn't a girl." I was punished severely for showing interest in anything feminine; the time I bought a makeup kit with my allowance to look like my Mom, I was screamed at, mocked, belittled, bullied, to the point of tears -- which I was then mocked for. I was taught never to cry, and if I did, I was punished; it got to the point that I couldn't even cry when my most beloved pet died.
I was taught so many things that are male-coded, taught to think of myself as male, and taught to expect male privilege.
Needless to say, living as a queer disabled autistic person who is read as female, I have experienced a hell of a lot of crap.
But the more I think about it -- even though I was raised as male, I identify as female. I am female, deep down. But yet I find myself fighting internalized sexism and misogyny that was drilled into me, and I find myself identifying very much with discussions between men who are recognizing, fighting, and working to dismantle their privilege -- even though as a woman, I do not have male privilege. My mind still thinks I do.
(Note: On the advice forum, someone asked whether I was dealing with guilt for internalized sexism, but that really isn't the case. It is not that I dislike women or think any less of them. I have more women role models than male. I always was more comfortable with women, liked girl-identified things. I wanted to be girly. But my dad made it clear that it was Not For Me. It's not that girly things were bad, because my sister was allowed to use them. But me? No. I was a boy, or treated effectively as such. Dad treated me pretty much as a boy who had been born with girl parts. And I mean, I'm not saying that I have never had to deal with internalized sexism, but it is not that in this case. It is that I was literally raised to believe I would be treated no differently than any other male, so I came to expect things that are associated with male privilege.)
I am the scenario that nobody thinks about, because the conditions for it to happen are so rare.
I feel almost that I am female by choice. I have a deep dislike and distrust of many masculine traits (at least by American standards of masculinity). Okay, this is getting into the woo woo, but I have past life memories of a world that was not our own, a world in which gender was truly equal. So when I think of women, I think of that, and it is nothing like our gender roles. Women are truly people, respected as people, and treated no differently. Behaviors are not male nor female; they are individual. Gender does not exist but as a social self-definition. I think by those standards, when it comes to women, and that is what I believe I am.
So, what does it make me? I mean, technically, by the strictest standards that would make me a cis woman. But I don't know if it affects it that my view and definition of woman for myself is different than the standard; then again, there are many different forms of femininity and all are valid. But I don't like how it erases the experiences I have had as struggling with my gender because of how I was raised, and the struggles I continue to have as I learn more what being a woman in this culture (not just in the fantasyland in my memories, which would likely be more technically accurately be described as genderqueer or multigender in our culture, because that culture had no concept of connecting gender to anything) entails. I have to adjust, to learn to present as female, because I will automatically present with male behavioral patterns and body language. Sometimes I decide to go ahead with it anyway, as it can be advantageous in certain positions, but it is difficult when I do not actively want to present male. And there are things that I am always learning, about how to correctly present as female, things that I wouldn't even think of. At the same time, while my behavior might be considered unusual (or butch), it's not like I would be mistaken for male in most situations (unless I were to actively dress for it and grow my facial hair out -- thanks PCOS), so people will look at me and see a fat disabled white woman. If a strangely behaving one.
I have heard, many places, people bemoan, "Gender is hard." And it is. But I have no word for my experiences. I know nobody with a similar story to my own. I feel alone. And most of all, I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like I'm just going to be read as somebody looking for attention, cookies, and a Speshul Snoflayke label. I don't want that. I just want to know if there are others like me, and if they are, what are we called? And in absence of that, what do I call myself? I feel feminine by my own understanding, and prefer female pronouns, but I have severe social dysphoria (this is a term that a trans friend suggested to me, and its seems to fit my experience the best) with expected gender labels for women. I have seen on Fetlife people identify as things like Femme or Butch and that makes me curious but I don't quite know how those are used as gender identifiers.
And then this interacts with my sexual orientation, as well, in which I was talking in another post as identifying as lesbian...
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is not worded the best or doesn't make much sense. I was pretty medicated on painkillers (migraine, plus bad pain day) while I wrote it so in advance I apologize for any unfortunate wording. I'm half convinced someone is going to hate me, because I have terrible social anxiety, and I'm half sure that the way I am tip-toeing around with my anxiety is going to piss off someone else, and... why, yes, my brain is great at catastrophizing. Okay, I am just going to bite the bullet and post this and hope for the best.
<3 and *insert favorite cookie or other dessert-like snack of choice* for whoever manages to read this long convoluted anxious freakout mess of a post. Many cookies. The Dark Side, we has them. :)
I am copy-pasting this from an advice forum which I trust very much to be non transphobic. I have been talking about gender and stuff for awhile but it really hit me today.... I'm sorry if I'm going over details you already know, but I'd rather go over them for the benefit of folks who missed it the first time.
I am in an odd situation. I have been gender questioning for a bit, but my situation is this. I am female assigned at birth, but I was effectively raised a boy. You must understand here that I was homeschooled my entire childhood and adolesence saving when I was accepted into community college at 16 through a state program that pays tuition for high school age teenagers who pass a qualifying exam. When I was very young (below 5), my Mom was most involved in raising me, and she was very much trying to introduce other girls into my life and lean towards feminine coded gender roles. That said, Mom is (while she doesn't identify as it) very feminist, was a tomboy herself, and believed that women could do anything.
But things changed around when I was 5. I don't have clear memory but as I understand that is when my Dad's ex got custody of my youngest half-brother, and thus Dad had more time to spend with me. I believe Mom also got more hours at work, and her schedule changed, so she was on a week on, week off schedule, which meant that she usually spent a few days in recovery and then focused more on our schooling and doing family outings (often ones educationally related). She was also dealing with constant insomnia from during her work week and would sleep a lot.
But for the week she was working, Dad basically took over. There is unfortunately an aspect of emotional incest with my father, and part of how that took place was that I was the "special" one, that we had a special bond, that I was different. That tied into being raised as a boy, because Dad wanted a son. There were plenty of misogynystic things I was taught, but I was also taught that they didn't apply to me. Not because I wasn't "one of those girls, but because I wasn't a girl." I was punished severely for showing interest in anything feminine; the time I bought a makeup kit with my allowance to look like my Mom, I was screamed at, mocked, belittled, bullied, to the point of tears -- which I was then mocked for. I was taught never to cry, and if I did, I was punished; it got to the point that I couldn't even cry when my most beloved pet died.
I was taught so many things that are male-coded, taught to think of myself as male, and taught to expect male privilege.
Needless to say, living as a queer disabled autistic person who is read as female, I have experienced a hell of a lot of crap.
But the more I think about it -- even though I was raised as male, I identify as female. I am female, deep down. But yet I find myself fighting internalized sexism and misogyny that was drilled into me, and I find myself identifying very much with discussions between men who are recognizing, fighting, and working to dismantle their privilege -- even though as a woman, I do not have male privilege. My mind still thinks I do.
(Note: On the advice forum, someone asked whether I was dealing with guilt for internalized sexism, but that really isn't the case. It is not that I dislike women or think any less of them. I have more women role models than male. I always was more comfortable with women, liked girl-identified things. I wanted to be girly. But my dad made it clear that it was Not For Me. It's not that girly things were bad, because my sister was allowed to use them. But me? No. I was a boy, or treated effectively as such. Dad treated me pretty much as a boy who had been born with girl parts. And I mean, I'm not saying that I have never had to deal with internalized sexism, but it is not that in this case. It is that I was literally raised to believe I would be treated no differently than any other male, so I came to expect things that are associated with male privilege.)
I am the scenario that nobody thinks about, because the conditions for it to happen are so rare.
I feel almost that I am female by choice. I have a deep dislike and distrust of many masculine traits (at least by American standards of masculinity). Okay, this is getting into the woo woo, but I have past life memories of a world that was not our own, a world in which gender was truly equal. So when I think of women, I think of that, and it is nothing like our gender roles. Women are truly people, respected as people, and treated no differently. Behaviors are not male nor female; they are individual. Gender does not exist but as a social self-definition. I think by those standards, when it comes to women, and that is what I believe I am.
So, what does it make me? I mean, technically, by the strictest standards that would make me a cis woman. But I don't know if it affects it that my view and definition of woman for myself is different than the standard; then again, there are many different forms of femininity and all are valid. But I don't like how it erases the experiences I have had as struggling with my gender because of how I was raised, and the struggles I continue to have as I learn more what being a woman in this culture (not just in the fantasyland in my memories, which would likely be more technically accurately be described as genderqueer or multigender in our culture, because that culture had no concept of connecting gender to anything) entails. I have to adjust, to learn to present as female, because I will automatically present with male behavioral patterns and body language. Sometimes I decide to go ahead with it anyway, as it can be advantageous in certain positions, but it is difficult when I do not actively want to present male. And there are things that I am always learning, about how to correctly present as female, things that I wouldn't even think of. At the same time, while my behavior might be considered unusual (or butch), it's not like I would be mistaken for male in most situations (unless I were to actively dress for it and grow my facial hair out -- thanks PCOS), so people will look at me and see a fat disabled white woman. If a strangely behaving one.
I have heard, many places, people bemoan, "Gender is hard." And it is. But I have no word for my experiences. I know nobody with a similar story to my own. I feel alone. And most of all, I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like I'm just going to be read as somebody looking for attention, cookies, and a Speshul Snoflayke label. I don't want that. I just want to know if there are others like me, and if they are, what are we called? And in absence of that, what do I call myself? I feel feminine by my own understanding, and prefer female pronouns, but I have severe social dysphoria (this is a term that a trans friend suggested to me, and its seems to fit my experience the best) with expected gender labels for women. I have seen on Fetlife people identify as things like Femme or Butch and that makes me curious but I don't quite know how those are used as gender identifiers.
And then this interacts with my sexual orientation, as well, in which I was talking in another post as identifying as lesbian...
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is not worded the best or doesn't make much sense. I was pretty medicated on painkillers (migraine, plus bad pain day) while I wrote it so in advance I apologize for any unfortunate wording. I'm half convinced someone is going to hate me, because I have terrible social anxiety, and I'm half sure that the way I am tip-toeing around with my anxiety is going to piss off someone else, and... why, yes, my brain is great at catastrophizing. Okay, I am just going to bite the bullet and post this and hope for the best.
<3 and *insert favorite cookie or other dessert-like snack of choice* for whoever manages to read this long convoluted anxious freakout mess of a post. Many cookies. The Dark Side, we has them. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2013-12-30 11:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-12-30 09:59 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-12-31 04:22 am (UTC)you cannot make a child into what you WANT them to be (there was a documentary out about twin boys, one was mutilated during circumcision to the point that his penis was burnt off, and they tried to reassign his gender as "female"...it did not work. the young man eventually committed suicide.) you are essentially a brainwashed female whose parent did a NUMBER on in emotional abuse.
so you've got a huge amount of "WTF" going on in the brain...girlyness is ok, but not for *you*. female is ok, but not for *you*. your body is telling you one thing, and your brain says another, and the PCOS has screwed with your hormones till your body isn't sure what the hell it's supposed to do. and that hormonal fuckery isn't helping your brainmeats any, either.
in the end...you're you. your partner loves you. the woo just *is* (hello, i'm also a pagan, glad to meet you *G*) and in the end...we're all just *blinks* in time. i DO understand the "who am i" navel gazing, but you can't get so wrapped up in *that* to the point that it prevents you from living your life.
yay cookies! *huge big hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2013-12-31 09:54 pm (UTC)