Hm. That might explain it.
Nov. 22nd, 2009 06:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elialshadowpineI was talking with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
paul_zap about parents and something he said went "click!"
I posted the other day about the movie Watchmen. I had a lot of issues with the movie, and yes, I do get that what I found so abhorrent is supposed to be the point of the movie; that doesn't mean I find it any less disgusting. I had issues of theme and philosophy, and those still stand. However! I realized just why it was so personal to me vs. a simple dislike.
It's because that is how my dad has portrayed the world to me from day one. I grew up being taught that all people will do horrible, evil things if given the chance. He would tell scenarios, in graphic detail, from the time I was 11 onward. He would point out people in parking lots and say what he thought they were thinking. That the older guy who came out with a pack of booze was probably going to drug and rape someone. That the mother with the kids would abuse and beat them all when she got the chance. That the young woman in a pretty dress was a slut and asking to be raped. He would literally sit there and point out what he thought would happen -- and then he would ask me what I thought. And demand that I go into the same amount of minute detail.
The main narrator for Watchman could have been my father. I am not kidding. There were lines in there about women, in specific, that I have heard almost word-for-word from my father. My father's reaction to the violence acted out on those women? Would be that they deserved what they got because they were sluts. My father has cut off more than one woman who has been raped because he believes rape only happens in dark allies, and if you knew the guy? You were leading him on and being a fucking cocktease and thus you deserved what you got. And you probably wanted it too.
I can't disconnect myself from my background. I don't think anyone can. In light of the hell I grew up in, I don't see that there is any way I could have enjoyed that movie. It is absolutely, without a doubt, howhe views the world. And it isn't that he's just been so mistreated that he has nothing good to compare; he is convinced that any good or kind act must be an act of manipulation, for the other person to get something out of it, vs. "Hey, maybe they just were actually being nice". Not according to him. Nobody is nice. Everyone has an agenda.
I've tried for years to scrub my brain clean, because his view of the world is Absolutely Not Healthy. I am only going into it briefly here... if you want more detail, run through my "family" tag. I try so hard to believe that there is hope, that there is something to hold onto, that people aren't all the scum that he seems to think they are. I have to hold onto that, because I won't live in his world. I simply will not.
Watching that movie was like being a teen again, forced into a situation I did not want, helpless to protest or do anything whatsoever. Listen. Listen. Only listen. Never speak. I could have turned the movie off, certainly, but by this point... I simply couldn't do anything but stare and cry and rage. It was like going back home to hell. It was like going back in time to a place where I had no control over any aspect of my own life (well, maybe what underwear I would wear that day) and where I existed solely to serve his whims. Going back to when I didn't know if he was going to lose his "famous Irish temper" and wallop me for some imagined smart-ass comment.
I've done a lot of work trying to clean out my head. I think I've done a pretty good job, because most people don't realize I have these issues until I post something like this. Someday, maybe I can be free. Free of... this... Maybe. Someday...
paul_zap about parents and something he said went "click!"I posted the other day about the movie Watchmen. I had a lot of issues with the movie, and yes, I do get that what I found so abhorrent is supposed to be the point of the movie; that doesn't mean I find it any less disgusting. I had issues of theme and philosophy, and those still stand. However! I realized just why it was so personal to me vs. a simple dislike.
It's because that is how my dad has portrayed the world to me from day one. I grew up being taught that all people will do horrible, evil things if given the chance. He would tell scenarios, in graphic detail, from the time I was 11 onward. He would point out people in parking lots and say what he thought they were thinking. That the older guy who came out with a pack of booze was probably going to drug and rape someone. That the mother with the kids would abuse and beat them all when she got the chance. That the young woman in a pretty dress was a slut and asking to be raped. He would literally sit there and point out what he thought would happen -- and then he would ask me what I thought. And demand that I go into the same amount of minute detail.
The main narrator for Watchman could have been my father. I am not kidding. There were lines in there about women, in specific, that I have heard almost word-for-word from my father. My father's reaction to the violence acted out on those women? Would be that they deserved what they got because they were sluts. My father has cut off more than one woman who has been raped because he believes rape only happens in dark allies, and if you knew the guy? You were leading him on and being a fucking cocktease and thus you deserved what you got. And you probably wanted it too.
I can't disconnect myself from my background. I don't think anyone can. In light of the hell I grew up in, I don't see that there is any way I could have enjoyed that movie. It is absolutely, without a doubt, howhe views the world. And it isn't that he's just been so mistreated that he has nothing good to compare; he is convinced that any good or kind act must be an act of manipulation, for the other person to get something out of it, vs. "Hey, maybe they just were actually being nice". Not according to him. Nobody is nice. Everyone has an agenda.
I've tried for years to scrub my brain clean, because his view of the world is Absolutely Not Healthy. I am only going into it briefly here... if you want more detail, run through my "family" tag. I try so hard to believe that there is hope, that there is something to hold onto, that people aren't all the scum that he seems to think they are. I have to hold onto that, because I won't live in his world. I simply will not.
Watching that movie was like being a teen again, forced into a situation I did not want, helpless to protest or do anything whatsoever. Listen. Listen. Only listen. Never speak. I could have turned the movie off, certainly, but by this point... I simply couldn't do anything but stare and cry and rage. It was like going back home to hell. It was like going back in time to a place where I had no control over any aspect of my own life (well, maybe what underwear I would wear that day) and where I existed solely to serve his whims. Going back to when I didn't know if he was going to lose his "famous Irish temper" and wallop me for some imagined smart-ass comment.
I've done a lot of work trying to clean out my head. I think I've done a pretty good job, because most people don't realize I have these issues until I post something like this. Someday, maybe I can be free. Free of... this... Maybe. Someday...
