Hm. That might explain it.

[elialshadowpine]

I was talking with paul_zap about parents and something he said went "click!"

I posted the other day about the movie Watchmen. I had a lot of issues with the movie, and yes, I do get that what I found so abhorrent is supposed to be the point of the movie; that doesn't mean I find it any less disgusting. I had issues of theme and philosophy, and those still stand. However! I realized just why it was so personal to me vs. a simple dislike.

It's because that is how my dad has portrayed the world to me from day one. I grew up being taught that all people will do horrible, evil things if given the chance. He would tell scenarios, in graphic detail, from the time I was 11 onward. He would point out people in parking lots and say what he thought they were thinking. That the older guy who came out with a pack of booze was probably going to drug and rape someone. That the mother with the kids would abuse and beat them all when she got the chance. That the young woman in a pretty dress was a slut and asking to be raped. He would literally sit there and point out what he thought would happen -- and then he would ask me what I thought. And demand that I go into the same amount of minute detail.

The main narrator for Watchman could have been my father. I am not kidding. There were lines in there about women, in specific, that I have heard almost word-for-word from my father. My father's reaction to the violence acted out on those women? Would be that they deserved what they got because they were sluts. My father has cut off more than one woman who has been raped because he believes rape only happens in dark allies, and if you knew the guy? You were leading him on and being a fucking cocktease and thus you deserved what you got. And you probably wanted it too.

I can't disconnect myself from my background. I don't think anyone can. In light of the hell I grew up in, I don't see that there is any way I could have enjoyed that movie. It is absolutely, without a doubt, howhe views the world. And it isn't that he's just been so mistreated that he has nothing good to compare; he is convinced that any good or kind act must be an act of manipulation, for the other person to get something out of it, vs. "Hey, maybe they just were actually being nice". Not according to him. Nobody is nice. Everyone has an agenda.

I've tried for years to scrub my brain clean, because his view of the world is Absolutely Not Healthy. I am only going into it briefly here... if you want more detail, run through my "family" tag. I try so hard to believe that there is hope, that there is something to hold onto, that people aren't all the scum that he seems to think they are. I have to hold onto that, because I won't live in his world. I simply will not.

Watching that movie was like being a teen again, forced into a situation I did not want, helpless to protest or do anything whatsoever. Listen. Listen. Only listen. Never speak. I could have turned the movie off, certainly, but by this point... I simply couldn't do anything but stare and cry and rage. It was like going back home to hell. It was like going back in time to a place where I had no control over any aspect of my own life (well, maybe what underwear I would wear that day) and where I existed solely to serve his whims. Going back to when I didn't know if he was going to lose his "famous Irish temper" and wallop me for some imagined smart-ass comment.

I've done a lot of work trying to clean out my head. I think I've done a pretty good job, because most people don't realize I have these issues until I post something like this. Someday, maybe I can be free. Free of... this... Maybe. Someday...

Comments

[jamileigh17.livejournal.com]

*hugs* There are good people in the world. You're one of them. Think about how many times your friends have been in rough spots, and you've helped them out, even if there was nothing you could offer more than an ear. Do you listen out of some need to get something out of it? No. So thus, even in you, his argument is flawed. Then look at people like your males, and so many of your friends. Sure, there are manipulative people who do things just because they get something out of it. They're called sociopaths.

[elialshadowpine.livejournal.com]

In his mind, everyone is a sociopath, except for those few rare exceptions that prove the rule. He's as much said it.

I've seen so much kindness. I can't believe people are like he thinks. Certainly, there are horrible people out there... but I don't think they are the majority.

[stabeest.livejournal.com]

As the daughter of a sociopath, I was raised in a similar manner, except my mother treated life like a game and taught us that everyone was manipulating everything to their own ends. Not necessarily that everyone was an evil person, but that most people were more neutral evil than anything else. It has made me very good at writing intrigue and politics, but it has royally sucked as a way to approach life. I've tried my best NOT to slip into that head space, but it is hard when you grew up there.

*hugs*

[fordarkness.livejournal.com]

you know, this explanation makes a *lot* more sense as to why you disliked the movie. i'm glad you detailed it out here and realized what the issue with it was. you don't have to like it, especially if it's that tied to your background either. :D

i remember watching "a clockwork orange" back when i was 21 or so. i'd been through a few sexual assaults that i hadn't been able to deal with yet. a friend of mine went on and on about how *great* this movie was. it came to the rape scene and i totally flashed back. i hated the movie after that. i couldn't watch it. i've seen rape scenes after in other movies that didn't trigger me as bad, but for some reason CO did it to me and to this day, i can't stand the movie. i know it's this, that and the other thing, but it just hit too close to me for me to ever be able to tolerate it.

nothing wrong with disliking something for those reasons. :)

[elialshadowpine.livejournal.com]

I think I would have had the same issues regardless of background, but I think it wouldn't have been as personal. I literally had to take a lorazepam after seeing it, because it was -- yeah, a pretty extreme trigger. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff related to my Dad and his worldview over the past few months, and something that visceral... I'm just glad I didn't see it in theatres (we had been intending to but never got around to it).

I'll keep that in mind about A Clockwork Orange. I've only ever heard good things about that movie, too; I didn't realize there was a rape scene. That's potentially triggering for me as well, for slightly different reasons. There are some contexts in which it bothers me less than others (for instance, I'm thinking of some movies based on legends where one of the prominent female figures is raped... and being that I'm familiar with the legend, I'm prepared).

I'm glad I figured out why it bothered me so much. I mean... I really love dark movies and TV shows. The Dark Knight, V For Vendetta, Angel, etc. My "comfort reading" is to sit down with George R. R. Martin's doorstoppers or Anne Bishop's Black Jewels trilogy. But this... yeah, really, it was like being dunked into my father's constant state of mind. Which is... disturbing. I wish he'd get help, but I don't see that ever happening.

[devrose.livejournal.com]

http://a1.vox.com/6a00c225257b9bf21900e398d55b190002-320pi
Meow.

[terrycat.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[nicosian.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, nonny. I went through a mountain of mental/psych abuse with my mother and while we've seemed to resolved it, each of us, your dad sounds more deeply disturbed. That's not a normal way to see people or think, AT ALL, and I'm sorry he inflicted it on you.

Some movies are horrid for me to watch for my own psych reasons too ( district 9 set a lot of bells ringing) and so I don't, couldn't blame you a second for feeling as you do.

Take care.

[elialshadowpine.livejournal.com]

It hit me even harder because I wasn't prepared. If I'd known the extent to which the movie went, I wouldn't have watched it. But, people were comparing it to The Dark Knight in regards to how brutal and dark the story was. I was blind-sided.

When we have insurance again, if we have mental health coverage (which in this area, we likely will), I intend on looking into therapy to try to deal with this. I'm not sure if it would help any, but it would be worth a shot. I want to erase it all from my memory and I can't, and I find myself reacting in certain ways to people that are absolutely conditioned from my Dad and what he imposed upon me. I'm amazed I can have anything to do with men whatsoever, because the brutal, violent picture he painted... sometimes I'm amazed that I am as mentally stable as I am. It's taken a lot of conscious effort to get me to this point, and I've hit the point where I can't do any more on my own.

[nicosian.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a good plan.

District 9 set off that "ohshit" panic. When I was sick, I was very powerless and in the hands of a lot of medical staff. I still have recurring nightmares of that panic feeling, and during some scenes, I just thought I was going to start barfing. I was not prepared for that.

I tend to avoid triggery things like it, and while I can watch medical shows, it's context, I suppose. I would have turned off the movie, or left the room.

The issues with my mom resolved over time. I think we both grew up. She was angry and frustrated a lot and took it out on me. We've come along way. I daresay we almost get along now and she finds me hilarious in my snark where she used to hate it. I'm still trying to grasp that new level of relationship.

I wish parents didn't imprint their issues on kids so much, not that we need to shelter them, but must each generation seem to inflict their own insecurities and anger on the next? I don't get it. I hope I am honestly a better parent than that, if and when.

The local universities in your area might have some sliding scale clinic/access as well, and I wish you all the best. Life's too short to be hauling OTHER people's baggage and your own.

[chorus.livejournal.com]

People do a lot of horrible things, it's true. Some people point it out gleefully. Some sorrowfully. Some angrily. And some point to the ones who aren't doing horrible things and say, "But these people over here are pretty cool." That last group? That's the one I try to be a part of. Even though I don't do very well at it all the time, it helps.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

Yeesh... I am very sorry to hear about this. Your dad, frankly, sounds like a horrible person.